Ready or Not?

In my last post, I said that I had gone off the pill. As of right now, I am back on the pill for an additional month. Everything seemed fine up until the actual moment that I took my last pill. I had a few days of absolute freak out and it really got me thinking. M and I are still young and I wanted one more month of just he and I having a good time. Not worrying about getting pregnant, or having a baby. Just having fun and being relaxed and spending a lot of time with each other. I'm not sure exactly what haooened last week, but I think it had to do with the fact that for the last year, we have been talking about stopping the pill and trying to get pregnant and it always seemed so far off in the distance. It was a great thought and exciting, but it was never actually here. When the moment finally came, I lost it. It was so overwhelming to actually start trying and I needed one more month to really be ready. I am a worrier by nature, so when I have some time to myself, my brain does its own thing and I start to think about too many things. My biggest worry about getting pregnant (besides not being able to get pregnant) is that M and I won't feel the same about each other after a baby. I am madly in love with this man and I would be devestated if anything were to happen to us that would change our love. I realize that having a baby will indeed change our love, but I am hoping that it makes it even stronger and better. My ultimate fear is that we start to hate each other sometime during pregnancy or after the baby is born. It's a lot to think about and quite frankly, it scared me enought temporarily to take a step back and postpone our attempt. But with a week now to think about it, I already feel better and I'm getting excited to start trying again at the end of this month. In the meantime, it's our "month of fun" as we are calling it.

And it Begins

On Monday night, I took my last birth control pill. On Tuesday I had a mental breakdown and spent a lot of the day crying and feeling anxious. I'm beyond excited about trying to get pregnant, but at the same time it is completely overwhelming and downright terrifying. I hadn't really spoken with M about this because I didn't want to freak him out or convince him that we weren't ready. The thing is, I know we are ready, but even knowing this doesn't stop the fact that starting a family is literally the biggest decision we will ever make together. On the other hand, I am feeling so much excitement and anticipation that makes me smile throughout the day. The part that caught me off guard is that we have been talking about this moment for months, but it was always a "when it gets here.." talk. Now it is actually here and it is scary! I met with my OBGYN on Tuesday morning, and although it wasn't very in depth, she made me feel better about the decisions we are making. I've felt a little weird lately about how much preparation we (more so me than M)are doing, but I am a person who feels better when I know a lot about what I'm doing. I would never tell people around me how much I am reading and researching getting pregnant and being pregnant because I feel a little embarrassed about wanting to know all this stuff even though we aren't even trying yet or pregnant yet. There are so many variables and unknowns, but I feel more confident if I al least KNOW about these things. Anyway, long story short, I am so happy and excited and I can't wait to see how my body reacts to no more hormones. It is the beginning of our journey and the road ahead seems long, but hopeful and happy too.