Containing My Excitement

I am attending a two day class on communicating effectively.  I wasn't originally signed up for it, but my boss couldn't go so she sent me instead.  I was hesitant, especially because I really don't like being forced into conversation with random people, but this was so much more than that.  The speaker, Paul Axtell, is amazing and so different from other speakers I've heard.  Usually I feel like most of these classes are a bunch of hoo-ha, but he is so calming that I didn't even realize how much I was enjoying the class until our second break.  In the process of the class, I met a woman who is also trying to get pregnant.  (I'm telling you, this class made you feel like you were in therapy and you could tell anyone anything)  She has been trying since September, and she recently had a miscarriage.  It was so comforting speaking to her about the fears and the anticipation of trying to get pregnant.  And it was really interesting to be able to listen to her describe her experience with the miscarriage.  I am scared everyday of getting pregnant and then having that ultimate failure feeling if I were to miscarry.  Miscarriage is something I try to avoid thinking about because I am scared that if I spend time thinking about it, it may be more likely to come true.  Again, I am not even pregnant yet, but I am so nervous about the possibility of it not going well.  I don't have it in me to talk to M about my fears because I don't think he will understand where I am coming from.  That's why it was so comforting to talk with someone who is in the same position as me and is feeling the exact same things.  Its so amazing that by a small turn of fate, I end up in a class with a person who I can fully relate to and feel comfortable talking to.  Its funny how life actually helps you sometimes. :)

On Again.

So, its been awhile. I've had some major changes happen in my life and I just couldn't find the time to write about it. Mostly though, I was just too scared by all of it to be able to write. Long story short, I quit my job, which I loved at one point, because I couldn't handle one of my co workers. She was drunk at work all the time and berated other employees and was just all around terrible. Rather than being fired, they sent her to mandatory rehab, and she essentially got away with being a terrible person and employee. I just couldn't deal with it anymore, so I found a new job. I am heartbroken about leaving the old job, but I feel like I am making the perfect decision. I started my new job last week. The hours are much better (steady and not so sporadic), the pay is better, and the bosses seem so much more real and honest. I am hoping that this will help reduce my stress levels, because as of today, M and I are officially starting to try to get pregnant. I took my last pill over a week ago and we are both on the same page now. Funny enough, I am totally excited this time rather than scared out of my mind. I know that the timing is right and I know that with my new job and the better hours, the ability for me to be able to manage a baby has exponentially increased. I just feel giddy, to be quite honest. I am so happy that the time has finally come and it's right and I am really ready. I am terrified it will take a long time to get pregnant, especially with the amount of time I have been on the pill. Its so nice to finally feel confident about something because the last two months have been filled with uncertainty and fear. I feel calm and just so right about everything. Its been so long since I've been able to say that and I never want to go back to the way it was. I'm not scared of being a mom and losing my freedom anymore and even though I still question my reasoning (I guess I'm not completely comfortable with the decision to get pregnant because I'm not sure I have the ability to be a good parent) I can't wait for it to happen. Ahhhh. That's finally my sigh of relief. :)

Ready or Not?

In my last post, I said that I had gone off the pill. As of right now, I am back on the pill for an additional month. Everything seemed fine up until the actual moment that I took my last pill. I had a few days of absolute freak out and it really got me thinking. M and I are still young and I wanted one more month of just he and I having a good time. Not worrying about getting pregnant, or having a baby. Just having fun and being relaxed and spending a lot of time with each other. I'm not sure exactly what haooened last week, but I think it had to do with the fact that for the last year, we have been talking about stopping the pill and trying to get pregnant and it always seemed so far off in the distance. It was a great thought and exciting, but it was never actually here. When the moment finally came, I lost it. It was so overwhelming to actually start trying and I needed one more month to really be ready. I am a worrier by nature, so when I have some time to myself, my brain does its own thing and I start to think about too many things. My biggest worry about getting pregnant (besides not being able to get pregnant) is that M and I won't feel the same about each other after a baby. I am madly in love with this man and I would be devestated if anything were to happen to us that would change our love. I realize that having a baby will indeed change our love, but I am hoping that it makes it even stronger and better. My ultimate fear is that we start to hate each other sometime during pregnancy or after the baby is born. It's a lot to think about and quite frankly, it scared me enought temporarily to take a step back and postpone our attempt. But with a week now to think about it, I already feel better and I'm getting excited to start trying again at the end of this month. In the meantime, it's our "month of fun" as we are calling it.

And it Begins

On Monday night, I took my last birth control pill. On Tuesday I had a mental breakdown and spent a lot of the day crying and feeling anxious. I'm beyond excited about trying to get pregnant, but at the same time it is completely overwhelming and downright terrifying. I hadn't really spoken with M about this because I didn't want to freak him out or convince him that we weren't ready. The thing is, I know we are ready, but even knowing this doesn't stop the fact that starting a family is literally the biggest decision we will ever make together. On the other hand, I am feeling so much excitement and anticipation that makes me smile throughout the day. The part that caught me off guard is that we have been talking about this moment for months, but it was always a "when it gets here.." talk. Now it is actually here and it is scary! I met with my OBGYN on Tuesday morning, and although it wasn't very in depth, she made me feel better about the decisions we are making. I've felt a little weird lately about how much preparation we (more so me than M)are doing, but I am a person who feels better when I know a lot about what I'm doing. I would never tell people around me how much I am reading and researching getting pregnant and being pregnant because I feel a little embarrassed about wanting to know all this stuff even though we aren't even trying yet or pregnant yet. There are so many variables and unknowns, but I feel more confident if I al least KNOW about these things. Anyway, long story short, I am so happy and excited and I can't wait to see how my body reacts to no more hormones. It is the beginning of our journey and the road ahead seems long, but hopeful and happy too.

The Benefits of my Hometown

Well, in my last post I mentioned that I am seriously thinking that I would prefer to have a home birth. I feel very fortunate to live in a town that not only is progressive in it's thinking and ideas, but is also very suppostive of a person's right to choose what they want. There are a number of families in town that have chosen to have home births and rather than the people in town being dismissive or negative, they have been quite supportive. I am lucky because I now know of at least three families who have very recently had a home birth, and I am so grateful to all of them for being so open with me about their experiences. Because my husband, M is not fully sold on the idea (he is concerned with safety and he's not quite sure about the strangeness of having a baby outside of a hospital) I am relying on the stories of these other families to help show him how awesome it can be. I have done such a large amount of research regarding my birth options and I know what I want, but I understand why he may be a little apprehensive about having our experience be outside of a hospital. When I have mentioned to some people that I am seriously thinking home birth is the way I want to go, a majority of them seem confused that I have made this decision despite not actually being pregnant. However, I have always been a planner. It makes me feel more comfortable and it helps me feel ok with decisions I am making. I am scared beyond belief about having a baby, but only because I can't really plan it. I have no control over what happens and that is scary at best. I think females in general would understand my sometimes overwhelming fear that I may not be able to get pregnant at all. I am young(ish) and I have no serious health problems, but there is still the fear that something will happen that will prevent me from becoming a mother.

Too Early For A Birth Plan?

As I mentioned before, I have been reading like crazy about getting pregnant, being pregnant and giving birth. For most of my life, I assumed that I would give birth in a hospital, probably with drugs. Until a few years ago, I didn't even realize that there were other options. And now, having so many resources with so much information, I have come to the conclusion that I will either have an midwife and doula assisted home birth, or try for a natural doula assisted birth in a hospital. Because I will be a first time mother, the thought of not being in a controlled setting with easy access to medical interventions if needed kind of scares me. Plus, my current insurance doesn't really allow for anything other than a hospital birth. However, my gut and my head and my heart for that matter, really would just prefer to give birth in my home. I feel safe in my home, comfortable and at ease. I want to be able to walk around and smell the smells that are familiar and comforting to me, rather then be in a hospital with so much noise. Quite honestly, the idea of how a hospital smells is somethng that fully turns me off from hospitals. I also can't bear the thought of not being able to move around the way I want. I have had a chronic illness for most of my life that has a high level of pain associated with it and the way I have dealt with that is by moving around and being able to be in a cool dark room. It is so important for me to really give myself an opportunity to labor naturally and to give birth naturally. I feel confident in my decision right now, but I can imagine as my life progresses and I actually (hopefully) get pregnant, I will change my mind in some way or another. But for now, home birth is seeming like the best option for me.

New Year, New Plan

Well, it's finally here... When M, my wonderful husband, and I got married, we decided that we would start trying to get pregnant in June of 2012. I started taking pre-natal vitamins in January (Nature Made Pre Natals) and I've been getting myself ready by reading everything I can possibly get my hands on. I am meeting with my obgyn next week to have my pre conception appointment, and I have so many questions and things I want to know. I'm nervous and excited and so many other things. Most of all, I can't wait to get the green light to start trying. My friends aren't at the same stage as me in life, so I'm taking it to the airwaves. I hope to be able to have an account of our trials and successes of trying to get pregnant. So, here we go I guess... Hang on for the ride!